


The Answer

by goodkidreprise



Series: Two Player Game [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Absent Parents, Angst, Cats, Closeted Character, Gay Male Character, Homophobia, Inspired by Music, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, david is a dork change my mind, i made matteo good with cats becaUSE HE IS, matteo-centric, maybe internalized homophobia??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 09:05:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18385304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodkidreprise/pseuds/goodkidreprise
Summary: Matteo studies and overthinks things.inspired by "the answer" by george salazer & joe iconis





	The Answer

**Author's Note:**

> not beta read btw
> 
> i havent written anything for so long, but here i am i guess. i really love the two player game album by george salazer and joe iconis and while i was listening to the song "the answer" i just had to think about matteo.

what was matteo even studying for? he himself didn't know anymore. he was just reading and reading the pages over and over again, turning the pages, reading what's on that side, doing the same process all over again, hoping, somehow, everything would fit in his brain.

"when did napoleon die? how should i know, it's been literally centuries," matteo whispered to himself. he sighed and leaned back in his chair. how long has he been studying like this? minutes? hours? what time was it anyway? when did hanna and mia change from studying in the kitchen to studying in mia's room? how was matteo supposed to study when he couldn't even make his brain shut up?

he stared at the wall, thinking that maybe, maybe he should cheat again. maybe then he'd see david again, like during his spanish exam. david and his beautiful, beautiful smile. matteo was so smitten, it was unbelievable. he should've felt that way with sara, but he didn't. that was the problem. how could he tell his friends that he was _gay_?

sure, they accepted hans, but that was different. the only person he was close with from the abitur class was mia. maybe he should tell her, but what would that do for him? he would feel her glances when jonas or anyone else talked to him about girlfriends, and she probably would tell hanna, kiki, sam and amira, right?

he sighed again. could he maybe talk to david about his struggles? matteo always felt good after talking to him, not like talking with sara, or literally anyone else.

with them, matteo felt like he was choking. he didn't know what he was doing. was he looking for better grades, a loving family? but starting a family now? that wouldn't be a good idea, so a better solution would be a pet for now. woah, should matteo adopt a little baby cat? that thought made him miss his cat from his mom's house, whose name was mario. matteo and the old mario were inseparable since the day they decided to adopt a cat. everytime matteo felt sad, mario would jump on his bed and cuddle with him. the only thing matteo missed from before he moved out was his cat. well, he couldn't change that now.

but after thinking a little more, he though that maybe really trying was the answer. trying with his dad, who he hadn't talked to since the divorce, it's been a few years, and his dad never called either, but maybe matteo should show some interest. or maybe, he should just get high and listen to music, like he always does, but that wouldn't answer the two most important questions. who does he wanna be and who exactly is he?

to answer that, matteo thought about the time his mom wanted him to play piano, but then both of his parents never showed up to pay for his lessons. maybe he could try picking it up again? surely, he still knows a few things. or maybe read some books? as a kid matteo loved to read, but then stopped some day. what he could also do is get a job, maybe at a restaurant? abdi, carlos and jonas always joked around that "if everything fails, you can work at an italian restaurant. it's in your blood, luigi!"

but if matteo really doesn't know what to do, he could join the army, go to war. he'll feel full of purpose then, right? hopefully. maybe he'll also give up smoking, but that won't work anyway. everytime he feels anxious, or anything slightly negative happens, he smokes.

matteo needs answers. he can't answer all this alone.

so he thinks some more. sara and matteo talked about london and then some other cities the other day. she thought he liked berlin, but he didn't. it felt so big, he wasn't a fan of big places with many people. then, a thought occurred to matteo: what if he moved to a village? maybe shave his head, so nobody of his classmates will recognize him? will he wind up happy then? not being recognized by any of his old friends? or will he end up dead because of his loneliness? that's probably why he didn't move into a flat alone, but instead waited so he could find one with flatmates, even though they will never be close.what if he asks david if they could move to detroit together?

but then matteo thinks, isn't it normal to not know anything yet? he doesn't have a clue about what he wants or who he wants to be, but he's only eighteen, surely his parents didn't have a clue either back then. like he told david, it's almost impossible to a lot of people to know what they want to do for the  _rest of their lives_. matteo still has time to make mistakes, and learn from them, doesn't he? like with sara, he's making a mistake, because he will never be what she wants and he will never love her like she deserves.

but isn't she also lying? matteo knows a crush on the same gender when he sees one, he's had enough experience with that. he sometimes sees how sara looks at leonie, and he knows how she feels. though, matteo can't talk to her about that, he doesn't want her to feel bad about it, like he has, for years. maybe, someday, they'll figure it out together. 

matteo still has time to find the answers to all his questions, he still is only eighteen, but if he's being totally honest, he's scared. scared of life and that a desicion won't get made, 'cause what do you do after your abitur when you don't know what you wanna do later in life?

matteo doesn't want to be like this forever, it's exhausting to think and think about every desicion you need to make and you already have made. if you want to wake up at the beginning of the day, if you want to do this, or that. matteo needs help, probably extra help to find out all he needs to know. 

he doesn't know what to do. 

he really doesn't know. so matteo texts david. 

_i need ur help. i cant breathe, i feel like im underwater_

he doesn't expect an immediate answer back, so he looks down at his study papers again. reading it again will probably help. it didn't. especially because matteo looked at his phone every ten seconds, waiting for david's answer. he knew it was stupid, his phone wasn't silenced, so checking wasn't any use. a little later he got an answer. 

_you okay? should i come over? we could study together a little if it'll help._

_u dont have to._

after matteo's last message, he got left on read. didn't help with his anxiety he had right now at all, but matteo had to stop worrying so much. he'll be fine. probably. perhaps. guess he just had to study, so he won't fail.

"my little butterfly?", hans knocked a few minutes (they felt like hours) after he decided to study again and said, "i know you're currently studying, but someone's here for you." then, hans left and david went into his room. 

"hey. what's going on?" david walked over to matteo's chair and kissed him. "i- i don't know, i really don't know, i don't have any clue, i just- i can't concentrate." he was tearing up again, just like the time david told him about his sister. 

"hey, hey, it's okay. i'm not going anywhere. how about... we sit on your bed and i help you study?" david smiled softly and matteo couldn't help it, he had to agree.

"so let's do it then, dumbass." david sat on his bed. "okay, okay, boss." matteo chuckled and sat next to him. 

they studied until late in the night and even though matteo still doubted himself, david made sure he knew that he'll do good on his exam. he'll just have to hope. 

exam day arrived, matteo had his pen in his hands, no cheat paper and he was nervous. like, life and death choice nervous. david had texted him earlier with a cute drawing and a message that said "you're gonna ace it!" to be honest, matteo thought it was really sweet and it helped a little.

matteo _hated_ this. he hated this feeling he got when he was stressed. it was difficult, especially now with exams. exams that last hours, sometimes even feel like _days_. 

"okay guys, pencils down! turn your papers over, time's up!"

**Author's Note:**

> i might even do a series of two player game songs, im not sure though


End file.
